Homunculus: Ultimate Chef
by Snoring Tiger
Summary: This is a spin-off from FMA Celebrity Island! The homunculus are gathered together...to bake! Read to find whom of the homunculus can bake! Rated T for Envy's colourful language at times.
1. Chapter 1

_This fic is a spin off to F.A.C.I! This is AU and I hope you enjoy it :) As you can probably tell by this chapter, this fan fic **really** isn't going to take itself seriously.._

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"It's been a long time since all of us have been gathered here." Greedling commented, looking at all the other homunculus and their Father who was sitting in the centre of the room. Envy just looked at Greedling like he was pissed off, which he was, Pride and Wrath weren't even listening to him, Sloth was trying to get up off the floor but was failing and Lust was babysitting Gluttony who was gnawing on some cookies. The only person in the lair who looked remotely happy was Father, who was sitting in his chair and waving a paper about.

"The reason you are all gathered here my…loyal…children-"He glared at Greedling, who only glared back-"Is because I have some great news to tell you!"

"Does it involve a new civil uprising?" Envy asked, suddenly interested. When Father shook his head, Envy sat down again and twiddled his palm tree leav-oh, sorry, I mean hair.

"Can I eat people Father?" Gluttony looked up in hope.

"Not yet my son."

"Does it involve…killing?" Lust maliciously asked.

"No…you all saw the success of my show Fullmetal Alchemist Celebrity Island, correct?" They all nodded. "Well, the producers have accepted my new Hit-reality TV show idea!"

"What is it?" Pride asked, without a hint of emotion in his voice. Father lifted up his hand and with the traditional purple beam of light, all of them were transported to a kitchen. There were seven small tables set up with a mixing bowl, a whisk, and scales. The rest of the ingredients were sitting on marble kitchen counters with a sink in the middle. Food cupboards lined the back wall.

"Why the hell are we in a kitchen?" All of the homunculus asked, except Lust, Gluttony and Sloth.

"It's my new TV Show and you're all the stars!" Father's eyes shone as he beamed at each of his children.

"Well, what the hell is this show called old man?" Greedling asked, pissed off that he had been tricked like this by an old man.

"It's called…**Homunculus: Ultimate Chef**!" Father declared. "Sadly, this show doesn't have a voice-over, so the host of this show is-"

"Oh my freaking god HAHAHAHAHHAHAAH! You guys have to cook! And wear aprons! HAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHHA! And you're meant to be evil. I guess winning a TV show does get some bonuses with it." Edward walked into the room, clutching his sides and holding a microphone.

"Oh you have got to be kidding. That kid's the host?" Lust stated, glaring daggers (and soon her real ones) at Father. Father shrugged "It makes good TV you know."

"You guys, you have to change into your aprons and hats…BWAHAHAH I still can't get over that! If only I had a camera with me!" Edward laughed. After exiting the room, they all returned (Sloth rather slowly) with an apron on and a chef's hat. To really get into the spirit of things, Wrath had dabbed some flour on his moustache, but he did it sarcastically.

"Because I'm dressed like a prat on TV I want to know the prize of winning this revolting idea for a show." Pride calmly stated, adjusting his apron to fit on his child-like body.

"Right, right, you're prize is...you will have the other homunculus be your personal assistants for six months." Edward read off his cue card.

"Hehe, Wrath you'd have to do my laundry and you Sloth would have to run my errands." Envy clapped his hands in glee, imagining the sight already.

"Too...tired...this is...such a...drag." Sloth poetically slurred from his mouth. Edward only snorted. "Right, you little chef protégés! *snicker* Today's challenge is going to be baking chocolate chip cookies! Because when I think of an evil organisation, I think of them making cookies!" Edward muttered the last part to himself. "Oh and the two worst chefs will be eliminated from the competition. You have thirty minutes."

"Wait...thirty minutes isn't enough time to make cookies you little brat!" Greedling shouted. Edward grinned. "You'll have to find your own methods then. And, begin!" Edward shouted, pressing the start button on his stop watch. Gluttony just simply started to cough for a couple of minutes and once he had, he had coughed up intact cookies from his stomach which he had eaten previously as a snack. He offered five of them to Lust, who took them and put them on her work surface. Gluttonny did the same. Edward snorted. "As long as they don't have spit on them, I guess that can count."

Envy had gone outside to the garden and he saw a pathway to a shop. He ran down it and he faced a supermarket. He stepped inside, screaming "Get out of my way, you pathetic human beings! Aah, here they are!" Envy proudly declared, holding up a packet of luxury cookies. Not bothering to pay, and because no-one bothered to stop him, Envy slipped into the kitchen again quickly and poured the packet onto his working surface.

"Envy, it appears you've found the shop where we buy the groceries from." Edward carelessly looked at the brand labelled on the packet. "You picked a good brand too."

"You ain't gonna tell anyone are you?" Envy sceptically asked the chibi, who shrugged.

"Nah, I would've done the same."

Now that Gluttony, Lust and Envy had their cookies, Greedling went to the cupboards and found some brown and gold/yellow icing sugar. He took them back to his area and made four slight dome shapes with the yellow sugar. As he put the yellow icing sugar away, he found real chocolate chips and stuck them into the icing instead. He hadn't baked, yet he had his cookies.

Pride just walked calmly over to the food cupboard and absently stared in there. His plan was to kill off Envy so he could take his cookies, but when Pride looked in the cupboard he saw a packet of digestive biscuits. "Well, they're not cookies, but they'll do. This show is really flawed so far if they have these in the cupboard." Pride boredly muttered, taking a handful from the packet and dumping them onto his work surface, nibbling on a spare cookie.

So, those five homunculus had 'baked' their cookies in fifteen minutes. The other two, Sloth and Wrath were taking a nap. It wasn't really a surprise, none of the other homunculus could imagine them on a cooking show. When the time was up, Edward woke up Wrath and Sloth. "You two didn't make any cookies..hehehe." Edward told them. "That means by default you two have to leave Homunculus: Ultimate Chef! Sloth, Wrath, each of you hang up your aprons for the final time (or the first time in this case) and Father will eliminate you from the island."

They both took of their aprons and Father solemnly walked into the room and gave them both icy looks. "I'm disappointed in both of you." He raised his hand and them two vanished. That left Envy, Greedling, Lust, Pride and Gluttony in the rom.

"So...now what?" Envy asked boredly.

"Next time on Homunculus: Ultimate Chef, I'll make sure they bake for you! Even if it kills me...wait I take the last part back, that could actually happen. Until then, catch you later!" Edward spoke into a camera.

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_Well here it is, I hope you're not disappointed. I'll make sure they bake in the next chapter for you!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	2. Chapter 2

**Because I can't come with any dishes of my own for them to cook, so I will be using some of the suggestions I received. Thank you all for your suggestions! I don't own FMA:B and how to make sushi properly.**

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The next morning the remaining five homunculus trudged into the room and glared at each other. None of them were the morning type. Edward cheerfully bounded into the room, grinning and shouting "Morning all of you! How are you feeling?" He received death glares from them all and Lust had to restrain herself from stabbing the 'unknowing' boy in the shoulder so he could suffer slowly...

"Because you're all so cheerful this morning-" Edward started, ignoring all the looks he got from those words "-we're going to be making sushi!"

Greedling couldn't help asking "What the hell does sushi have to do with the morning? Or being _cheerful? _Stupid brat..."

"WHO'S SO MUCH OF A BRAT THAT IF I SIT NEXT TO A TINY CANDLE I'M BOILING? To be honest, I just want to see you guys try to make sushi." Edward admitted. "Now go put on your apron and hat." They all walked as slow as possible to the aprons and hats and put them on. Edward still couldn't help giggling when he saw them come out in chef attire. "Don't you want to tie up your hair Envy? Otherwise, it'll infect-I mean it'll get in the food." Envy slowly turned around to the boy and gave him such a glare Edward was tempted to run off. "I hope you choke on it." He menacingly told the boy before he moved back to his cooking station.

On each of the homunculus' cooking station was some rice, cheese, salmon, tuna and sheets of pressed seaweed. They all glared at the ingredients, praying they'd make themselves. Edward looked at the clock on the wall which read 8 am in the morning. "Because you suck terribly at cooking as you proved yesterday, you have half an hour to make sushi. This is so damn easy, so you guys must really suck." Edward added, earning an evil glare from Greedling. "You can start...now!"

GREEDLING'S POV

Right, the little brat wanted us to make sushi. Because I'm the greediest in the world, people would cook for me, not the other way round. Hell, I don't even know how to make a bowl of cereal without screwing it up. So, it was time to call onto my host's soul.

"Yo, brat. I need your help." Greed told Ling who only frowned back.

"You can't cook can you?" Ling asked sceptically. Not waiting for an answer, he sighed. "Fine. I'll do it just this once for you Greed."

LING'S POV

So I had to make sushi because Greed apparently can't cook. Thank god for me Lan Fan had showed me how to a few years ago. I cut up the long strips of seaweed into appropriate sizes and laid a couple layers of rice on the seaweed. For two of them I put salmon in the middle, another two tuna and the last two cheese on top of them in the centre. For the first one I grabbed one of the sides and quickly brought it to the other side so nothing could fall out. I saved room for the seaweed to stick onto the other side. Satisfied I did this for the other five. After inspecting that nothing had fallen out, I put them on the final plate, picked up some cheese and began to nibble on it.

"Kid, you done yet?" Greed impatiently asked. I sighed. "Yes I'm done. You owe me one hell of a meal for making me do that in the morning."

Greed quickly regained control again.

GREEDLING'S POV

Looking at the plate, it looked like the kid did good. Satisfied, I sat in my chair and began to watch the other homunculi make fools of themselves.

PRIDE'S POV

I've never tried sushi and I have no intention to eat it if it has seaweed in it. C'mon seaweed's a plant sitting in salty water. I looked at the seaweed which was laying in front of me, but I couldn't bring myself to touch it with my hands, so I got my shadows to pick it up and cut it into two. The shadows rolled them into cylinders with a gap in them. I picked up the rice and stiffed it into the hole. But whenever I picked it up all of the rice would fall out of it.

"Why can't you stay in there you-"I muttered, tempted to kill that shrimp who was smirking at me. Instead I had to make do and got my shadows to strongly hold his hands by his waist tightly. That should shut him up for now. Turning back to the sushi, I slowly filled up one of them until it was overflowing with rice and then I shoved cheese in it.

When I lifted it up, only the extra rice fell out of it. I managed to do the same to the other one, except I quickly put a piece of salmon in it. Looking at the clock, I saw it took me twenty minutes to take. I decided to torture the flea by making the shadows tickle him. It was quite amusing to watch him squirm.

ENVY'S POV

That shrimp bastard. How I'd love to tear him into pieces, step on him repeatedly and bitch slap him. Damn him. It took a damn lot of willpower to stop thinking of how to kill the brat and focus on what I needed to do.

I couldn't care less about this rubbish excuse for a TV show. But I had to beat my 'siblings' just so I could gloat over them. I stuffed all the rice into one pile and put all the pieces of tuna and salmon into the mound of rice. With the huge strip of seaweed I had I covered it all so it looked like a seaweed ball. Still, sushi is sushi.

That damn brat started to laugh at my efforts. "Ah yes, you'll go far in life with that sushi making technique." He started laughing. I ran up to him and by the throat pinned him against the bland white walls. "Listen you little shit, I've been doing this the whole time and all you've been doing is laughing. I highly suggest you shut the hell up before I have to make you shut up." The flea's face had turned pale white so I let him go and walked back to my area, sat down and waited, plotting the kid's demise.

LUST'S POV

Hmm, sushi. Never heard of it before. How the hell am I meant to make something I've never seen before? The answer, you don't. On the plate I put the rice on the plate to cover the plate evenly. When it looked good, I wrapped each of the cheese, salmon and tuna pieces in seaweed and laid them on the plate. Well that was easy. It only took three minutes. I looked at the other people's plates and saw they had done it differently.

'Screw this competition; I'll just mess with Edward Elric's head for the hell of it to amuse myself.' I cleverly thought to myself. For the rest of the time I would prod the boy at random times and painfully with my fingernails so he would look around to see what did it. It was quite entertaining. I also saw Pride tickling him with his shadows. That kid must've been pissed off by now with us torturing him. He deserves it though.

GLUTTONY'S POV

Food! Gluttony hungry so I eat food in front of me. That was yummy! Oh, I make sushi now. There's no sushi stuff though. I ate it.

NORMAL POV

"Time's up! Ow!" Edward moaned, rubbing his poked shoulder. "Time to see what each of you has made. He looked at Greedling's sushi at first and tried a piece. "Pretty good Greedling." He commented.

"Self-high five!" Greed shouted to Ling, who high-fived his 'soul'. He accidently said this out loud though. Edward just looked at him stupidly before moving onto Pride. Again Edward tried it and nodded, showing he liked it. "Oh next time you decide to tickle me I'll make you wear a pink mini-skirt Pride." Edward warned Pride who only innocently replied back "Doesn't that make you a pervert if you make a kid wear a mini-skirt?" Edward just hurriedly moved to Envy. Not knowing where to begin, he just put the whole sushi ball into his mouth. "Ew. Too much seaweed." Edward commented.

"Oh burn in hell." Envy shot back.

Edward moved to Lust's...thing. "What the hell is this? Do you even know what sushi is?" Edward scoffed. Lust protruded one of her sharp fingernails into Edward's forehead. "Do have a problem with it?" She asked sweetly, sticking it harder into his head. He moved back and shook his head. "Good." She added more of a sickly sweet tone to her voice so Edward just moved to Gluttony.

"Where the hell is your sushi Gluttony?" Edward asked. Gluttony took his finger out of his mouth. "I ate it." He whispered. Edward just started to laugh. "Gluttony you idiot. You're now eliminated. Gimme your apron and chef hat before you eat them." No-one was sure if Ed was joking or not. He gave them to Edward and suddenly that traditional purple light zapped Gluttony and he was transported back to Amestris.

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**Mega sorry for not updating this sooner! I'm not actually sure how Pride's shadows work so I had to imagine here :) By the way, no I don't know the proper way to make sushi so there's a very good choice that none of those ways are correct, not that I'd expect them to be XD**

**Fma crusher xx**


	3. Chapter 3

The four remaining homunculus (Envy, Pride, Lust and Greedling) were standing around in the kitchen waiting for the Fullmetal pipsqueak to show up. They weren't talking to each other, they just stood and waited. Greedling though, was debating with himself. Here's what him and Ling were saying:

**Ling: There is no way in hell I'm going to help you again.**

_Greed: If you don't help I'll make you do it!_

**Look, a monster's behind you!**

Greed turned around and saw nothing was there.

_Nothing's there you brat._

But Ling had fallen asleep by this time so Greed was left without any methods of cheating which made him grouchy. After ten minutes of waiting for the show's host, they saw Edward walk in and it was obvious he was pissed off. He had dark shadows under his eyes and he was scowling so hard that it seemed dangerous to talk to him.

"What happened pipsqueak?" Envy taunted Edward. Edward glared at Envy and transmuted Envy into a brown jumpsuit. "Now you really do look like a palm tree. Call me small again and I'll do worse to you." Edward seethed. "I was just on the phone to that bastard of a colonel and he told me that I was making this show rubbish! I'll show him! You have one hour to make a cookie shaped man in the shape of the colonel and you have to make it look as insulting as possible. START NOW BEFORE I PUT YOU ALL IN SHRIMP COSTUMES!" Edward shouted the last part. Mustang must've really got to him.

LUST'S POV

Because the pipsqueak was in a bad mood, I figured it would be easier just to go along with it. On my work table I saw all of my ingredients-cookie dough, sprinkles, icing, coloured rice paper, a template of a man and one of a woman and an oven. Spreading the dough thickly and evenly I used the templates to make one man and one woman shaped cookie. Putting them two onto a tray, they went into the oven for half an hour. In that time I managed to start a dough war with Greedling. It was fun just flicking dough at each other until he got it in my hair. Then it was war.

I used the remainder of my dough and I shoved it up his ears and his mouth. I'm no expert, obviously, in cooking, but I have heard that cookie dough is dangerous when raw for whatever reason. Hopefully he will die a few times from having it in his ears and it'll poison him slowly.

I looked in the oven after half an hour and saw that the cookies were cooked so I took them out. Now all that was left was decorating them. On the man cookie I put black hair with those gorgeous, cold black eyes he has. Then I used a lot of pink for lipstick on him. For his clothes he wore purple pants and a black tube top. I covered the thing in edible glitter. For the woman I did the same, but he was wearing a dress identical to mine and with blue high heels. Satisfied with my results, I sat back in a chair and started to sharpen my nails.

GREEDLING'S POV

That damn Xingese brat wouldn't help me so I had to try this cooking stuff out for myself. What joy this was going to be.

In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic.

So I put some of the gooey gunk (_**AN: the cookie dough**_) into the oven and waited. Then Lust threw some of her dough at me. With the remainder of my dough I flung bits of it at her. It was quite fun until some of it accidently got into her hair. I mean it was fun for me, but she apparently didn't think so, considering she shoved the dough in my ears and mouth. I managed to spit out the dough, but it took twenty minutes to get it all out of my ears.

Once my ears were clean I took the dough out of the oven to find that it had gone harder and was now one big cookie. I tried cutting some with the templates but it was impossible. With ten minutes left, I just wrote in red icing sugar _Roy Mustang is a perverted idiot and a pole is smarter than him. _ I cut out red crosses from the red rice paper and stuck them on with red icing sugar. Now I was finished.

ENVY'S POV

I don't care if that midget was pissed off; it still wasn't fair of him to put me in a brown jumpsuit. What's worse is that I probably do resemble a palm tree. I needed revenge. Using the male template I cut out a dough man and shoved him into the oven to cook along with some other dough. With the rest of the dough I decided with my decorating skills to plaster the shrimp's red coat (which he wasn't wearing at the time) with the cookie dough. He won't know that I did it, besides, hopefully it'd cheer that runt up. If only he could take a joke, I'd be safe.

Once it was properly cooked, I took it out of the oven. I made Mustang's face with great detail with icing sugar. He had his copyrighted smirk on him (The Mustang smirk©). After icing his military uniform on him, I did his gloves and I made flames come out of them in such a way it made the cookie man look slightly epic. Then with the other dough I put in I drew three women (including the midget's mechanic) with the sugar and made speech bubbles which said "Mustang, you're so cool!" That'll show the midget.

PRIDE'S POV

Viewers at home, I ask you this. Who the hell thought of an idea for making homunculus, WHO ARE EVIL, cook cookies? True, the dark side has cookies, but c'mon, now my reputation is ruined because my idiot of a father has decided to turn a new leaf and become kind. But he's not the one who has to do this damn cooking.

Right, I think I got off topic there. So, on with said cooking. I shoved all the cookie dough in one big lump and put it into the oven for half an hour to cook. In that time I had managed to come up with a limerick which shows my hatred for cooking and the Fullmetal brat-do you want to hear it? Too bad, you'll have to anyway.

_There once was a midget called Fullmetal_

_But his heart was as soft as a petal_

_He made me bake cookies_

_So I killed him real quicky_

_And now his remains are buried in a ditch, oh poor Fullmetal._

I don't care if it didn't rhyme, it sure as hell cheered me up. Right, so I pulled out the now baked cookie lump from the oven. It looked kind of like a cookie mountain. On it I wrote the words 'Colonel baka' on it with black icing and on the top I put Mustang's face in black icing on it. Then with red and orange icing and red rice paper I made edible flames surround his face. I put green icing where his cheeks would be and I gave him pink sparkles that I had seen on a muscled man earlier. Now I had a blob of a cookie covered in icing. I must be getting that hang of this cooking stuff, don't you think?

NORMAL POV

"Time's up!" Edward grouchily shouted. He then walked over to each of the homunculus to see their creations. First he looked at Lust's cookie people and laughed. "I love the woman Mustang. You get nine outta ten." Edward decided, nibbling on the male cookie's head. Edward then moved onto Greedling.

"Not what I was really expecting, but you weren't lying. So...seven out of ten."

Walking on, Edward walked past the fake palm tree and moved on to Pride. "Nice effect with his head on fire and him about to throw up. You're right, the colonel is an idiot. Nine outta ten." Then Edward realised he walked past Envy so he moved to Envy's place and winced at what he saw.

"Envy...You do realise I officially hate you more than ever now, right?" Edward said in a surprisingly calm voice. "Father, teleport his ass out of here before I rip him to shreds slowly and painfully." Almost instantly Envy was teleported away with that purple beam of light, jumpsuit and all.

"Three homunculus left huh? This is going way too fast, I swear." Edward muttered.

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_Now some of you probably think that I hate Envy. I don't hate him (too much) but I can't help but tease him because of his hair, you understand right? I probably have done so many palm tree jokes now, but I can't help it. No offense to Envy fans :)_

_Should I do a filler chapter or do you want me to carry on with the story? _

_Today's cooking idea was by Ultimateyaoifangirl!_

_Fma crusher xx_


	4. Chapter 4

"Do you know what it's time for? An outtakes episode!" Edward said into the camera. He wasn't wearing his red coat because it was absolutely ruined after Envy covered it in cookie dough and Edward didn't feel like cleaning it.

"The first outtake is from when the homunculi have a food fight. Lucky bastards..."

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"There's nothing to do in this shithole when we're not cooking." Envy complained looking around at his siblings (Lust, Pride and Greedling). They all nodded.

"I need to train, my shadows are getting a bit weak." Pride complained.

"Ooh, I know how we can train! Whoosh!" Envy chucked a piece of raw chicken at Greedling. "Haha, so sorry little bro."

"Now you've got me pissed." Greedling got up and in his hands he picked up a bowl of red jelly and chucked it all over Envy's head. Let me mention now that there was a huge buffet table with all the food on it that they were meant to eat, but who cares about detail?

"BRAT!" Envy threw coca-cola in Greedling's direction, but it accidently went over Lust's face instead.

"You little- do you know how sticky coke gets when it dries?" Lust screeched. Pride just laughed at his sister.

"What the hell do you found so damn funny?" She tossed some turkey gumbo at Pride.

Now all of the homunculus were pissed off.

What joy.

The room became a war zone-Envy was out for Greedling and Lust, Greedling went against Envy and Pride, Lust against Pride and Envy and Pride against Lust and Greedling. The shouting , screaming and battle cries could be heard all over the vicinity, but nobody really felt like intervening.

Fish and soup covered the floor, sugar was everywhere and flour covered all of their sticky faces and clothes. Envy had a fish stuck to his back somehow and couldn't get it off, Greedling had a cheese cube in his ears and was working on removing it (he gets lots of stuff stuck in his ears, doesn't he?). Lust was battling with ketchup which stubbornly stayed in her hair and Pride looked like he was a cookie dough monster.

"Envy, why the hell did you start this damn food fight? To be honest, that really didn't feel like training to me." Pride growled as his shadows were working on cleaning up his face. Envy laughed awkwardly. "Really? I thought it somewhat helped us."

"And how the hell did you get to that conclusion?" Greedling muttered, successfully pulling the cheese out of his ears.

"Well, you see, er, now we know what to do in a food fight! Heheehehehe..heh..meh...I'll shut up now." Envy mumbled.

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"Why couldn't I be in the food fight, I would've loved that, but _nooo, _the host can't interfere with anything the contestants do. I hate these damn producers." Edward could be heard muttering before realising that the camera was on him.

"Err, yeah that was the food fight. I don't really know who the winner was in that, but let's face it, you'll never see homunculus having a food fight again, will you? Anyway, now there is an interview with the homunculus Gluttony!"

Gluttony waved at the camera before pointing into the lens and saying "Can I eat them?" Gluttony was actually referring to the camera crew who were behind the camera, but lots of people watching the show at home must've been freaked out.

"No, Gluttony you can't eat them. Time for your first question. Have you ever wanted to be a chef?"

Gluttony nodded. "You get to work with food! But when I asked Father...he said no...*sniff*"

Edward just stared at the so called 'evil' homunculus for a few seconds before continuing. "Right...so, are you happy with what place you came in Gluttony?"

"What place did I get in?" Gluttony asked. Edward sighed.

"You came fifth place Gluttony."

"Yay! I beat Wrath and Sloth! Lust should be proud of me." Gluttony shouted before nibbling on the side of his white plastic chair.

"Why exactly did you eat the ingredients you were meant to cook with?"

"I was hungry!" Gluttony rubbed his stomach and ceased eating his chair.

"Last question Gluttony, though I don't feel that I should actually need to ask you. Who do you want to win?"

"My Lust! Lust will win!"

"Gee, big shock there." Edward muttered sarcastically. "Okay, goodbye Gluttony. Thanks for being here."

Gluttony stayed in his seat for a few seconds before asking "Can I take the chair with me?" Edward only snorted for a reply, so Gluttony took the chair and walked out of the studio.

"I believe that the next clip that will be shown to you is an argument between Ling and Greed." Edward commented.

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"Ling, you know you're my best friend in the whole world right?" Greed's inner self asked Ling. But Edward could hear what Greed was saying, not Ling and he was eavesdropping on his conversation.

_**What do you want Greed? **_Ling tiredly asked back.

"Cook instead of me in this competition and we get to have power over the homunculus for some time!"

_**No.**_

"But you can cook better than me! That Xingese chick, what's her name again?"

_**Lan-Fan?**_

"Yeah her! She taught you to cook really well! Don't make me say the 'P' word you brat!"

_**And what exactly is this 'P' word of which you speak? **_Ling questioned.

"P..P..Please Damnit!"

_**Oh. That's it. But I can't, that's cheating and cheating is wrong and evil.**_

"Kid, I say this because I care. On the so called 'Promised Day', you murdered dozens of soldiers*. You broke the heart of a small brat with pigtails by getting a Philosopher's Stone, thus changing the history of Xing forever. You call cheating in a damn reality TV show wrong and evil?"

_**...Good point. But you murdered those soldiers, I just crushed Mei's dreams of letting her be empress. So, no I won't help you.**_

"But you're my best friend in the entire world Ling!" Greed whined.

_**Look, another distraction!**_

"You honestly expect me to fall for that again brat?" Greed was running out of patience. But by this time Ling had already gone to sleep, so Greed couldn't talk to Ling anymore.

"Damn that kid! There wasn't even a distraction! I hate that kid." Greed mumbled.

But Ling wasn't lying, as a custard pie from Edward flew into Greed's face.

"Shrimp, you better run like the damn wind." Greed calmly spoke before chasing after Edward, who was laughing the whole time.

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"Oh yeah, I remember that. Good times, good times." Edward reminiscently said. "Well, it seems that is all we have time for today. Join us next week, when we see which two homunculus make it into the finals of Homunculus: Ultimate Chef!"

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_*This is set in the same AU universe of F.A.C.I, so the Promised Day was still a set-up._

_Well, here's your out-takes chapter for you. I have predicted that there will be three more chapters of this, just to let you guys know._

_AEW Alchemist_


	5. Chapter 5

"So...the three of you are left in this competition; Pride, Lust and Greedling. Congratulations on making it this far, but _tonight, _one of you will leave Homunculus: Ultimate Chef!" Edward melodramatically told the homunculus as the theme music began to play with a slideshow of pictures of the final three cooking:

_The final three Ultimate cooking masters_

_After all this time, they have finally been revealed_

_We have all watched them fight, _

_And they have squealed,_

_Wait..._

_Oh my god, evil dudes are COOKING! _(Imagine it to the chorus of "Rain" by Sid, even if it doesn't fit).

"Wait...since when does this show have a theme tune? And since when are you so melodramatic?" Pride asked. Edward faked smiled into the camera, saying "Nonsense, I have always loved my job as a host!" while off-screen showing the homunculus a cue card:

_Go with it, or I'm fired. If not, my auto mail fist would be delighted to be acquainted with your face multiple times. _

"So, amazing host that you are, care to tell us what you have in store for us today?" Lust asked, liking her face to remain pretty. Edward nodded. "Yup, just let me open this envelope to see what you are making today...Today, you three are making Lamb in Gravy! According to this card, you have two hours to make it. Also, the winner of this challenge wins a phone call to someone you care about back in Amestris. Any questions? GO!"

LUST'S POV

That boy is such an idiot, even _I _know that cooking Lamb takes more than two hours, let alone the gravy too which I can't even make...damn.

So, what to do, what to do...wait, the word lamb can have more than one meaning can't it?

I rushed out of the kitchen and went to use the old telephone which was on the wall outside of the kitchen. Dialling the number I needed, I finally managed to talk to them:

"Hello?"

"Alphonse, did I ever tell you how much of a lamb you are?"

"Lust, how did you get my number? And a lamb's a sheep, I'm a human," Alphonse corrected me. I laughed.

"Lamb also means darling, or a sweetie. So, my little lamb, can you ask my father to teleport you to the kitchen we're filming in? I want to surprise Edward by bringing you."

"If it's for brother, I'll come," Alphonse replied.

"Oh, and bring some packet gravy with you," I added before hanging up the phone.

Sure enough, in a couple of minutes, there was a beam of purple light and Alphonse was there in the flesh (literally).

"Great, I'm glad you're here! Now, I need to make a distraction to smuggle you in there," I thought out loud. Alphonse went to one of the camera crew members and whispered to him before the camera man shouted

"Man, the host is such a runt!"

Alphonse and I managed to sneak in while Edward ran out and began to rage at the man. Once in the kitchen I told Alphonse to hide in the cooking pot, to 'surprise' his brother. Alphonse hesitantly got in and put the lid over his head (it was a really big cooking pot).

"Now Alphonse, I'm going to put some warm water in and mix in the packet gravy," I explained, ripping open the packet and tossing in the gravy mix with the warm water. Alphonse hesitantly looked up at me.

"You aren't going to put on the flame are you?"

"Of course not, I need you alive for this to work," I replied back. It was true, if he wasn't alive, Edward would find a way to kill me.

In half an hour I was done, so for the rest of the time I found entertainment in watching Greedling try to cook.

PRIDE'S POV

Damn human, making me cook. What is the point? If anything all the other homunculus should be cooking for me, considering I'm the oldest! Kids these days, the only thing they're good for is for doing your chores at minimum wage...

I got a bit off-topic there. Right, back to the plot. Looking down at my work surface, I saw that I was given one big lamb (it's head, feet and wool was removed), a bunch of herbs and gravy powder. To be honest, I am completely fine with causing massacres for the greater good, but seeing a raw lamb on there, even without its head, disgusted me. Then I realised a very important loop hole the kid had left us-

"He never told us specifically to _cook _the lamb, only to make it," I mumbled quietly to myself, "We don't have to necessarily _cook _it." I left the lamb where it was while I picked up the packet gravy and poured it into a mixing bowl with some warm water and stirred the mud-resembling substance for about ten minutes to make sure the powder had properly diffused into the water. Tasting it by dipping my finger in it and licking it (no-body was watching so it was okay), I realised that it actually tasted edible. To add just a slight bit more flavour to the concoction I added a tablespoon of salt and a tiny amount of rosemary.

I didn't feel like risking my reputation again by dipping my finger into it and licking it so I just assumed it tasted good. I put it in the microwave for thirty seconds while I got my shadows to pick up the lamb and put it on a plate next to a pile of broccoli. I took the bowl of gravy out and poured it right over the raw lamb, and it actually looked like it heated up the lamb a little bit, but not enough to prevent food poisoning. I sat down and waited for the time to finish.

Hopefully the brat wants to taste our food.

GREEDLING'S POV

I was in such a terrible mood. That day I wanted to kill anyone who pissed me off. But _no, _I had to try and cook lamb...

Who would want to eat _lamb? _ The Greed part of me and the Ling part disagree on this issue. Greed doesn't care as long as he rules the world and he'll eat lamb if there's nothing else. But Ling says that they're so young and innocent creatures it's almost like eating children.

Would you like to try cooking lamb when half of you agree and the other half disagrees?

It's a bloody nightmare, especially as I already wanted to kill people anyway.

Whenever I would pick up the lamb I was going to cook, the Ling side protested and made our body drop the lamb. If I tried to make the gravy, the Greed side would make our body stop and go back to the lamb. If that wasn't enough:

_You Xingese brat, stop interfering!_

**But it's an innocent lamb!**

_Idiot, lambs are inferior to us homunculus!_

**But they're all fluffy! It's like trying to eat a gingerbread man, you're reluctant to do so because it's cute!**

_...No. Not one person I know has had that problem eating gingerbread men._

Finally it reached breaking point, so I went over to Edward and shouted at him "You brat, listen to what the hell is going on in my head!" Conveniently Edward had made a device to listen to the core of my body, so he listened through it and heard them arguing.

**I REFUSE TO COOK LAMB GREED, IT'S IMMORAL AND WRONG!**

_WELL I WANT TO COOK LAMB LING SO SHUT UP AND GET ON WITH IT!_

"Edward, how the hell do you expect me to do anything when I have a _war _raging inside of me? When I try to cook lamb, Ling objects, when I try to not cook lamb, Greed objects!" I shouted at him. Edward actually looked like he was about to laugh, but he went into a coughing fit for a couple of seconds before speaking to me.

"I think it's fair to say you're excused from this round and will go to the finals," Edward told me. I nodded at him.

"Damn straight!" I agreed and went back to my work station and waited for the time to be up.

NORMAL POV

"Times up!" Edward shouted two hours after the clock started, and he saw that none of the homunculi were working. "Oh, you were all waiting for me to finish?" Edward asked, earning a nod from all of the contestants.

"Right, well, due to certain personal issues, Greedling isn't competing in this round," Edward explained to Lust and Pride.

"Why the hell not?" Pride demanded.

"YOU TRY HAVING TWO SOULS INSIDE YOU BICKERING ABOUT THE RIGHTS OF LAMB!" Greedling roared. It was quiet for a few seconds before Lust and Pride tried to muffle their snickering. As Greedling was about to explode with rage, Edward went up to Pride's workstation to inspect his lamb.

"Pride, I can see that you made quite good gravy, and it tastes quite good," Edward said in between his spoonful of Pride's gravy, "But did you even cook the lamb?" Pride nodded his head slowly, praying that Edward would shut up and move to Lust's lamb instead. Edward simply shrugged his shoulders and walked over to Lust to see an empty plate. Edward peered at the huge cooking pot on the stove.

"Is the lamb in there?" Edward asked, pointing at the pot. Lust nodded.

"Yes, I think you'll quite like mine," She said as she took off the lid, revealing Alphonse covered in gravy sauce.

"Brother! I'm so happy to see you again! I would hug you, but I'm kinda covered in gravy," Alphonse shouted in a rush, beaming up at his older brother from the pot. Edward stared dumbfounded at what he saw for a few seconds before turning a beautiful shade of crimson.

"LUST, WHY THE HELL DID YOU TRY TO COOK MY YOUNGER BROTHER?" Edward screamed at her. She maliciously smiled.

"You told us to make lamb, so I did. Alphonse is a little lamb. I don't see what I did wrong," Lust explained. Edward stared for a couple of seconds before shouting "I MEANT A LITERAL LAMB! NOT MY BABY BROTHER LUST!"

"To be fair, I'm not a baby," Alphonse intervened, stepping out of the pot and walking over to the camera crew who gave him a fluffy white dressing gown to put on.

"Now Alphonse really is a lamb," Lust laughed once Alphonse put on the robe. Everybody laughed at that except for the brothers. Edward death glared at Lust before turning to Alphonse and asking "Hey Al, did she hurt you?"

"Nope, I'm completely fine," Alphonse confirmed. Edward sighed before facing Lust again.

"Damn, I can't hurt you. You are eliminated from this competition. Be gone!" After a purple beam of light, Lust was gone.

"So, only two homunculus left, Greedling and Pride. How interesting." Edward commented.

**"****Next time on Homunculus: Ultimate Chef, we have a behind the scenes/outtakes episode! Until then, see you soon!" **Edward spoke into the camera.

* * *

_Today's dish was suggested by Fluffy Pinkness :)_

_I wrote about ten minutes a day for this cos I felt bad for not updating sooner. _

_Yeah, this is going really fast, so next episode we're taking it slow!_

_-AEW Alchemist_


	6. Chapter 6

"**With the finale up ahead, we here at the headquarters of the studio feel that we want to show you what happen behind the scenes,"** The narrator of the show voice-overed the opening of the show.

* * *

"Behind this door is where they do the amazing feat of choosing which recipe our contestants have to cook," Edward, being the above-average host he is, spoke into the camera, "Keep in mind that because this show is high budget that there must be a very intricate system to this. It is such a secret as to how to pick the dishes that this is only the first time I've been allowed into the room. Let's go in," Edward opened the door to reveal one man wearing a scientist's lab coat reaching his hand into a ball pit which had some writing on them.

"What is this?" Edward asked nervously to the scientist, who according to his scientist was called Jimmy.

"This is how we pick the dishes," Jimmy replied with a stony face, "Do you want to see what dishes will be used in the Finale?"

"...Dishes?" Edward asked again.

"Oh no, that was secret," Jimmy again said with a stony expression, "But the contestants will be cooking a first course, a main dish and a dessert for the finale. Now, let's see what the first course will be."

Jimmy, after putting a rubber glove on his left hand, dipped his hand into the ball pit and moved his hand around in it while keeping his stony expression on his face. He finally grasped a purple ball form the pit and pulled it up and read it to himself before claiming, "The starter Pride and Greedling will cook is Fancy Garlic Bread."

"...How can you make Fancy Garlic Bread?" Edward asked, nearly doing an anime-fall. Jimmy shrugged his shoulders before reaching in again to see what dish would come up.

"The main course is a Hamburger with grilled salad," Jimmy revealed, "And no I did not mix up the salad part, the salad has to be grilled."

A minute later, the dessert was revealed to be Chocolate Mud Pie.

"Thanks for that Jimmy," Edward thanked before leaving the room, shutting the door behind him and muttering to himself "Really? There's no better way to decide what to cook?" before turning back to the camera and saying "Next a clip will be shown to you of Envy's original plan on how to win."

* * *

"I don't want to win this shamble of a competition, I mean it's not like cooking is an essential skill to being evil," Envy muttered to himself as he was pacing his dorm room in circles, "But I want to beat the other homunculus so Father will be proud of me and I can rub it into Greed's face." A look of malice was evident on Envy's face as he stopped pacing.

"And now I have the ultimate plan, the best method, and the greatest solution that is fool proof and will without a doubt help me **win**!"

"Oh?" Pride asked from the bottom bunk, as he shared the room with Envy.

"Oh, forgot you were in here," Envy curiously noted before turning back to facing the wall again, "Anyway, all I have to do is kill them off! Now that _may _be a small issue because they're nearly immortal, but-" Envy dramatically turned on the spot and pointed at Pride, "With your help, I could wipe them out and claim this competition's victory as my own! SO what do you say?"

"No," Pride instantly shot down.

"But _**why?"**_Envy seethed, "Don't you want to win?"

"Not in particular," Pride calmly replied, "The only reason I even made it this far is either luck or the stupidity of the others."

"True, they are pretty slow when it comes to cooking," Envy agreed, "But still! How about it Pride? Don't make me say the P word!"

"Philosopher's stone?" Pride boredly asked, twiddling a strand of hair.

"No! Please," Envy groaned, "Just let me be good at something and kill Lust or Greedling for me-no, for us."

"As tempting as that sounds, I want to cut back on using my powers."

"Stop being so boring, damnit!" Envy shouted as he stormed out of their dorm room, slamming the door behind him, "I'll do what you won't then!"

"I bet he'll get out next week," Pride predicted boredly, "At least with him gone I can practise shadow puppets in peace."

* * *

"Wow, apparently that midget can predict the future, considering that Envy did get out that week...and after ruining my coat too," Edward growled that last part before turning to the old lady who was wearing a grey jumpsuit standing next to him.

"Shut up boy and introduce me to all the little boys and girls at home," She shouted, slapping Edward's leg.

"Ow!" Edward yelped, "Anyway, this is Eliška and she is the head of the cleaning staff for Homunculus: Ultimate Chef. So Eliška, tell us what it can be like working here,"

"Well those monsters sure know how to make a mess of the place," Eliška began her rant, "After that hoo-hah with the food fight, do you know how much of the gunk was sticking to the ceiling? Or the carpet? Not even Mr. Clean could get out the stains in the carpet easily-speaking of which, who even spills diet coke onto the carpets? That's just neglect to furniture. In my day, we would've got a good clipping on the ear for something like that, but all the kids these days are rebels, all of them should be put in juvie or hung to the ceiling by their hair, make them suffer! How dare they show so much disrespect for the cleaning staff? No-body makes that much mess at home, but _nooo, _these little toe-rags make a mockery of it. To answer your question young man, it can be stressful at times," Eliška finished her rant.

Edward was silent for a few seconds before continuing with the interview, "Right...so what happens to all of the waste food?"

Eliška slapped Edward on the ear, earning another yelp of pain from Edward, "Where do you think boy! In the bin, no-one can eat it after it's being stuck in between the window ledges!"

"Right, I'm gonna go now," Edward tried to escape so he wouldn't get hurt by her again.

"Nonsense boy!" She yelped, "Don't you want to know who I want to win?"

"Okay...who do you want to win?"

"None of them! Let them suffer for making me nearly break my back cleaning up after them!" Eliška triumphantly shouted in a moment of passion.

"Well, err, yeah, so, umm, yeah," Edward lamely concluded as he walked (or ran) from her and to a desk where he sat on, "We asked the homunculus to write haikus about cooking, and this is what they wrote. The first one is Greedling's, and this is what he wrote:

_Cooking is boring_

_Can't you just make me some rice?_

_Why should I cook? I'm evil._

Envy's:

_This show can go rot_

_Who wants to see us cook stuff?_

_I will call my lawyer._

Gluttony's:

_This is a show with food,_

_Food tastes good when I eat it_

_Can I eat you now?_

Lust's:

_Slice and dice it up,_

_Roast it slowly in hot oil_

_Not food! Edward's body._

Personally, I don't like that haiku," Edward commented before pulling out Pride's haiku.

"_My cooking haiku,_

_It mentions food in great depth,_

_It's ending is witty,_

People, I have no idea what that means," Edward confusedly failed to explain before reading Wrath's out loud.

"_Cooking is for the chef's,_

_Not for the F__ührer to do,_

_Citizens, feed me._

And for some reason, Sloth didn't turn his one in," Edward explained, "Right, for the last part of this show, I will reveal the bets that various people in Amestris have made on the show:

Winry believes that Greedling will win, as does Izumi, Lan-Fan, Scar, Fuery, Mei and Havoc. Meanwhile, Alphonse, Curtis, Xiao May, Breda, Miles, Pinako and Olivier have said that Pride will win. The rest of Amestris didn't hand in a vote, so I am assuming they're neutral which makes the odds for who will win this cooling show fifty-fifty," Edward concluded.

"Until we can next find a time-slot to broadcast the episode, which can be hard for us lately as we're a not well known show, we begin the finale! Who can make the better first course, Greedling or Pride? We'll just have to wait and see!"

* * *

_...This story has uber neglect D: Sorry people, but now that the finale will officially start in the next chapter, updates should be quicker!_

_-AEW Alchemist _


	7. Chapter 7

"Well let me explain what's going to happen for the finale," Edward addressed the two remaining homunculus on the show, both who looked equally bored.

"Whatever, I just want to leave this show by this point," Greedling openly yawned.

"Oh shut up and listen," Edward snapped at him, "Anyway, you will be given two hours to cook each dish for the finale. Once the two hours is up, you have to completely stop. Then your food will not only be tested by me, but also by Father." Out of what appeared to be nowhere, Father walked onto the set and stood next to Edward.

"Just so you know, I'm very proud of both of you," Father smiled at them, albeit a little creepily.

"Right...well anyway, me and the old geezer here will taste your dish and we will each rate it out of fifty. We will then plus those scores so it becomes out of a hundred. This will be done for all the dishes and in the end, whoever gets the most points in total will win Homunculus: Ultimate Chef. Any questions?" Edward finished explaining.

"Edward, am I really that old?" Father asked in an irritated tone. Edward groaned.

"Any _serious _questions?"

"What's the prize for winning?" Pride asked, "It's been a while since we were told so I forgot (**A/N: My procrastinating even affects their universe *sobs***)."

"Whoever wins has the other homunculus as their servants for six months-"

"As well as Edward," Father interrupted. Greedling and Pride both turned to face Edward, malicious grins on their faces. Edward, indignant, turned to face Father.

"When the hell was that decided?" Edward shouted at Father. Father shrugged.

"Since there was a change in script," Father lazily replied before turning to the chefs.

"You are now making your first dish, Fancy Garlic Bread, in three...two...one...go!"

Both of the homunculus, already adorning their chief hats and aprons, ran to their individual work stations. Now both of them were feeling a flair of competitiveness and wanted to win.

**GREEDLING'S POV**

There was no way that I could lose to a little cursed brat like Pride for two reasons. One, _he's a midget. _Even if he is older than me, it's embarrassing to be beaten by someone who only looks like they're eleven years old. Secondly, he's not called Pride for a reason. He will be insufferable to be with him if he wins; his ego will go out of control. With that in mind, I looked over all of the ingredients that were on my table. There was one long baguette, a small, glass jar filled with a yellow substance I assumed to be butter and a bunch of green leaves and a garlic bulb.

I took the baguette and with a sharp bread knife (if I could tell the difference between knifes this show has really messed up my mind) and vertically chopped the bread into eight separate parts and piled said bread onto a plate dish. As I was gathering all of the different herbs so they were directly in front of me, I happened to notice on of the set's cameras following me and zooming in. When I was cooking previously, this never bothered me, but for some reason it really pissed me off. Here I am, trying my damndest to cook well and these bastards are trying to sneak up on me! I got frustrated with the fact I couldn't break the camera that I reached for the same knife I used for the bread and chopped all of the herbs into small pieces without bothering to try and identify what they were.

"Damn, what if they needed to stay as they were?" I muttered angrily before coming to an important realisation: The only way the leafy green things would stay on the bread was if they were small. I couldn't help but grin at this.

With all of the green herbs chopped and ready, I decided to place the eight pieces of bread on a tray and place them in the oven so they would be toasted.

I turned back to face the bulb of garlic and scowled at the plant. Weren't garlics the plants that would make anybody cry just by cutting them? Well it was a plant that was round with layers that made people cry, and this garlic fit that criteria. Me, Greedling the homunculus, being as manly as I am, did not wish to shed tears because of one plant, so I held my breath and pinched my nose as I cut into the garlic.

Luckily I did not cry, but I noticed that Edward and Father were watching me and laughing. Ignoring those bastards, I continued like this until I ran out of breath.

Even as I cut into the plant while taking in a big gulp of breath, I noticed I did not cry. I removed my hand from my nose and as I cut I still did not cry.

Oh. Maybe it was a different plant.

Edward and Father continued to laugh so I threw the knife in their direction, and it flew between the two of them. That shut them up.

As soon as I finished chopping up all of the garlic into small cubes, I noticed there was a lot of gray smoke coming from the oven. Well that was unexpected.

"Damn!" I shouted as I ran over to the oven and flung the oven door open and took the tray of bread out of the oven and placed it onto the table (and the tray was bloody hot too). All eight pieces of the bread had shades of black covering their surfaces. Sadly that was all the bread that I was given.

"Wait, I can just to go the same store that palm tree went to buy cookies from before and buy a new baguette!" I said out loud.

_No you can't._

**Damnit Ling what do you want now?**

_You don't have any money. And hurting innocent people is forbidden. _Ling pointed out.

"Damn kid," I muttered before turning back to face my charred bread.

"Hey, I can just cover the surface with the herbs and butter," I marvelled at my intelligence. It was no surprise, with my smartness I can solve any problem! So I placed the garlic and various herbs over all eight of the pieces of bread. I grinned when I saw that you couldn't see the burnt parts of the bread.

I glanced at the clock and saw that there was twenty minutes left. Relieved that I had done the majority of the work in time, I took a small butter knife from the collection of knifes and spread the butter from the jar over the herbs. I wasn't too sure if that was right but oh well.

Finished, I decided to try and glance at what Pride was doing, but that little brat had his shadows surrounding his station. With nothing to do I just watched the clock countdown to time up.

**PRIDE'S POV**

As I was under the identity of Selim Bradley, son of the Fuhrer in Amestris, it was unsurprising that I had tried many different foods, garlic bread being included. The last time we ate it was a few years ago (little longer than six years or so) and I do have in mind that there was a small amount of herbs and butter on the top side of the bread and I knew it was meant to taste of garlic, hence the name. But what is confusing to me is how to get that balance. If you put too many herbs and leave it tastes like a garden, too little it tastes far too garlicy.

Another issue is that I have no idea what garlic looks like. I am academically smart, but never was there a need for me to cook for myself so I've never studied plants or food.

Not that I'd tell Greedling that; if he thinks I'm smarter than I actually am he'll get more intimidated.

Still.

Just to make sure that Greedling couldn't copy me, I got my shadows to surround my entire working area so he couldn't see what I was doing and copy me. Satisfied, I picked up the baguette and chopped it vertically into five chunky parts.

Laying them on the table, I then eyed the plants and herbs. The majority of them looked like leaves, but there was one bulbous plant. It looked like it was carrying a disease, and as much as I wanted to poison the Elric brat I still wanted to win. I figured it was a trick plant so I left it. Grabbing some of the green leafy-looking plants, I mused on how to make them small enough to fit on the pieces of bread.

I only then noticed that there was (conveniently) a mini-blender on my work surface. Perfect! I just couldn't leave them in there for too long though.

I shoved the leaves into the blender and turned it on, and turned it off again after three seconds. The plants had nearly turned into a liquid, almost a puree. Shit. I'm pretty sure that wasn't right. Well, I had used the majority of the leaves so I had to make it work. After I buttered the chunks of bread, I placed (placed, certainly not poured mind you, even if I had to use a spoon to do it) the herbs and plants over the bread. Surely that was right.

It felt like something vital was missing, but I couldn't place my finger on it. Something then clicked in my mind. Of course!

There was no oil on the garlic bread!

Taking a small bottle of olive oil, I spritzed a small amount onto each piece of (what I knew not hoped) garlic bread. After that I decided to stop cooking. There was nothing else I could do, but sometimes I would panic and mess it up.

Which I completely did not do already.

So I just sat and waited, shadows still surrounding me.

**EDWARD'S POV**

It was so much easier doing this damn job when I didn't have the man who I presumed was going to kill all of Amestris standing right next to me. The fact that he looked like Hoenheim didn't help matters either. So I was waiting for these idiots to finish their cooking (seriously, who needs _two hours _to make garlic bread?) in awkward silence next to the bearded bastard.

"...Um, it's interesting watching them cook, isn't it?" I tried asking Father, hating the air of awkwardness. He nodded, albeit too quickly.

"Oh yes, yes," He responded.

After that, awkward silence.

For two. Goddamn. Hours.

**NORMAL POV**

After two hours, Edward shouted "All right, time's up!" all too eagerly. Greedling picked up his plate of garlic bread and walked over to the table where Edward and Father would be testing the dishes, Pride following suit (without his shadows now). Both homunculus smirked as they eyed the others dish-they could both see flaws in the others works and their dishes did look somewhat different after all.

As Father and Edward made their way to the table, both of them started to feel a little nauseous. From first glance, both looked inedible. From a second glance too. But, Edward had a duty and it was to test the garlic bread in front of him.

Even if he was praying for his life.

"Right...interesting looking dishes you've got there," Father sugar-coated his words, eyeing the dishes.

"Who's shall we try first?" Edward asked. Father looked at each before deciding Greedling's dish looked more appetising.

"How about Greedling's?"

Both of the judges picked up a piece of garlic bread, and both took bites in it.

Edward finished his piece first, wearing an unreadable face all the while.

"I'll be honest, Greedling, it tasted like a burnt garden," Edward bluntly stated. Pride smirked at this, "However, I did slightly enjoy the crunch of the garlic bread, and I could taste the garlic in it. So in total I rate your starter 36/50 points. What about you?" Edward asked Father.

"My boy, I have to agree with Edward about there being just a little too many plants, however I too enjoyed the strong sensation in my mouth of the crunchiness of the bread and the scent of garlic. It was better than what I expected something from you to be."

"Hey!" Greedling interrupted.

"I rate it 43/50, giving you a total score of...79/100, 79 points."

"Try mine next!" Pride insisted. Edward nearly turned the colour of the puree on Pride's dish. What the hell did that kid even create?

"Oh, okay then," Edward slightly hesitated before biting out of it. Once he finished chewing he turned to look Pride in the eye.

"I have a few comments to make. Firstly, garlic bread _does not _have a liquidy substance on it. Secondly, the bread is too soggy and far too oily. Thirdly, last time I checked, garlic is meant to be in the garlic bread, hence why it's in the name." Edward paused for a few seconds. Greedling laughed out loud at this. Pride made one of his shadows jab Greedling in the neck to shut him up.

"I should give you 0 points for this, but that would make it far too obvious as to who would win, so instead I'll give you 20/50 points, the twenty points being for you not killing me with this!"

"Son, I have to agree," Father looked rather forlorn while speaking, "However, the moist taste does somewhat appeal to me. I do agree with Edward's comments, and I will give you 32/50 points, mostly because I can see you tried. That gives you a total of 52 points."

"Hell yeah, I win the first round!" Greedling cheered. Pride muttered angrily to himself. Edward turned to face the camera.

"Next time these two will be cooking the main dish! Watch next time...and please pray for us," Edward whispered the last part.

"What was that?" Both contestants angrily demanded to Edward.

"Err, nothing. Bye!"

* * *

_I. Have. No. Excuse. *is shot* I am so so so so so sorry for the late update! The next chapter will be up a lot quicker, maybe next week._

_I am a failure as an author T.T Three months, three months..._

_-Snoring TIger_


	8. Chapter 8

"Now the time has come for you two to cook the main dish for the finale," Edward greeted the two homunculus as they walked onto the set. Father was also standing beside Edward and was looking a little more serious than usual. This made everyone feel a little less creeped out by the man.

"Remember that Greedling is winning so far with seventy nine points," Father reminded Pride, "Pride, for you to be able to beat him you need a minimum of twenty eight points." Pride nodded as a response to this.

"Today, both of you are cooking a hamburger with salad on the side," Father continued, "Which I find rather humourous considering usually the main dish is something more extravagant, but that doesn't really matter by this point so-"

"Are you ready?" Edward asked, effectively interrupting Father in the process. Greedling and Pride picked up their white aprons and tied them on and placed their hats on their head. Both of them glared at each other before nodding at Edward.

"Your time begins...now!"

**GREEDLING'S POV**

I'll admit it, I was confident that I was going to win. I already had twenty more points than Pride, so I figured that was a rather large gap to close. Therefore, I saw no real point in trying my hardest at cooking if it was almost guaranteed I would still be in the lead for this round. This meant I didn't have to get all panicky and fussed over detail.

On my work station there was a burger bun still in its plastic, raw meat, a selection of lighter leaves than the previous round, a carrot, a bunch of olives and some oils and powders as the ingredients I could use. I decided to start making the burger first so then the main part of the dish would be completed.

I ripped of the packaging on the meat (and after reading the packaging deduced that the meat I was using was beef) and saw that it was rather squishy and pink-the opposite of what a hamburger looks like. It wasn't shaped like a hamburger either. Strange.

After washing my hands I placed the meat onto a wooden cutting block and chose the sharpest looking knife from the knife block. When I looked down at my hand I saw there was some beef juice on them. Disgusted, I washed my hands and put gloves over my hands (not because it was unhygienic, because it was disgusting…don't think I'm a clean freak!) before picking up the knife in my right hand and chopping into it. With the knife still in the meat, I tried my best to cut a piece of the meat so that it was circular and would be able to fit in between the bun. Once I had finished, it looked more like a diamond but a circle, but it didn't bother me all too much.

With that out of the way, after I threw the gloves and the extra meat in the bin, I opened the packaging for the hamburger bun and with a bread knife cut it in half. I placed these two parts in the toaster on the edge of my work station and I placed the meat onto a cooking tray and walked over to the oven. As soon as I stuck that into the oven and slammed the door of the oven shut, I noticed that the Elric brat was standing beside me, along with one of the cameras.

"So Greedling, you've had one hour so far, is the pressure starting to build up now?" The brat asked in a typical interviewing style. I groaned.

"I'm kinda busy right now cooking and you're getting in my way," I tried to ditch him as I strided back to my work surface, "Besides, I'm sure you don't want to piss off someone who has a collection of knives on standby." Elric then leaned in close to me.

"Look, I'm doing this to get away from Father, I can't handle the awkwardness," Edward hissed to me. I sighed.

"Go annoy Pride; he sure looks like he needs company."

Edward thankfully followed my advice, leaving me to continue where I had left off. I mentally face palmed-Ling joined me too. Seriously, sometimes the Elric brat had no clue. Anyway, I ran back to my work station and instantly took the bread out of the toaster- thank the Gate it wasn't burnt. Placing the bread on a plate and moving it to the edge of the table, I focused on deciding how to make my salad. At least I was planning to; all of the leaves that I were given for this round were either green and identical with each other (or so it appeared at a first glance, I didn't bother inspecting any further) or these weird purple leaves. There was also that carrot along with the olives and oils.

I picked some of the green leaves and placed them in a salad bowl, along with a few olives (I couldn't tell if they had the stones in still or not and I didn't really care) and this red powder which was concluded to be Chinese Five Spice after I tried some and it made my tongue feel like it was on fire. Taking a metal sheet with holes on its side (Ling told me later that this was called a grater) I rubbed the carrot against it a few times and watched its shreds fall into the bowl. Satisfied, I then picked up a wooden spoon and happily stirred the ingredients to my heart's content. It was actually rather fun. Until-

_What are you doing? The salad is going everywhere! _I looked down to see that Ling was indeed right; a quarter of it was on the floor around my feet. Thankfully there was enough left for the dish, so I placed the salad onto the dish so I wouldn't lose it all. It took up about half of the plate which was slightly depressing to me-I mean, who even eats that salad on the side anyway? Oh well, Elric and Father _will _put up with it and they _will_ enjoy it.

With nothing to do for a while, I just made myself look like I was doing something important, but in reality I was seeing how far I could spit olive stones. I managed to hit Father in the face and pretended not to be looking at him when he started frantically looking around the room. So to entertain myself while the meat cooked I continued to aim for random things in the room. There were plenty of stones all over the room.

Thirty minutes later I walked over to the oven to see how the meat was cooking and it was now a dark brown instead of a pinkish colour and no longer looked squishy. Holding my breath, I opened the oven door, picked up the incredibly hot metal cooking tray, shut the oven door and ran to my work station before dumping the tray onto the table.

"DAMN DAMN DAMN, HOT HOT HOT HOT!" I shouted as I ran my hands under the blissfully cold tap. Once I was sure the tray had cooled down slightly, I moved the tray to the side, and with a spatula I picked up the burger and placed it on the bottom part of the burger bun. I placed a little bit of the salad in the burger along with some ketchup before shutting the burger.

If I said so myself, it looked damn awesome.

**PRIDE'S POV**

I had to be extra cautious when cooking now if there was any hope of me being able to win this competition. Because the gap in points between Greedling and I was rather large, it meant I had to make sure that my dish was better than his in any and every way possible.

I decided to start by making the side salad so then I could focus on the main part of the dish. This time I closely inspected all the different types of leaves and plants, even if I had no idea what each one tasted like. After visual and aroma assessment, I placed the richest and juiciest looking leaves in the salad bowl, along with a few olives, croutons, cucumbers, tomatoes and some vinegar. Keeping my eyes on the salad bowl, I carefully stirred all of my ingredients together for a few minutes. I made a little too much though, so I only placed some of the salad on the main plate.

Ripping open the packaging for the meat, I was damn confused when I saw what looked like a piece of meat drenched in blood (I later found out the red liquid was actually just meat juice, but it still freaked me out). I mean what the hell? Meat was all brown and solid-ish, not all squishy and looked like someone's liver-believe me, I know what that looks like. After prodding it with the handle of a wooden spoon for a few minutes, I decided that the best thing to do would be to stick the meat in the oven and see if that would make the meat look more meat-ish.

After doing that, the only other thing that was left to be done was to sort out the hamburger bun, but that honestly would not take much longer than five minutes. As I began to take the buns out of their plastic wrapping, I noticed that the eldest Elric brother was standing next to me, camera crew trailing shortly behind him.

"What are you doing? I'm busy cooking for you so go away," I tried to look like I was in the middle of doing something important, so I decided to start washing the knife I used to open the packaging for the meat. Edward tried to suppress a gulp, which was then I realized some of the juice from the meat was still on the knife.

"Well, hurry up and tell me what you want," I impatiently told him.

"Right, I just want to ask you a couple of questions," He replied, shoving a microphone into my face,

"One. How much stress are you under right now to finish preparing your dish?"

"Quite a bit, surprisingly, considering I need to win this round by a lot of points to have a hope of winning," I replied matter-of-factly.

"Of course, of course. Next, how much more do you need to make now, with only fifty five minutes left?"

I blinked. Time went by fast when cooking.

Either that or I was really slow.

"Just need to wait for the meat to cook and then I'm pretty much done," I responded.

There was silence for a few seconds before I asked Edward:

"Why are you asking me questions anyway?"

He just mouthed the word 'Awkward tension' before walking back to where Father was. I noticed he tripped on what appeared to be a stone. But now with nothing to do, I looked over some of the plants to see if there was any use for them. I noticed that there was a gherkin in the pile of vegetables. Perfect. Weren't they the plants that everybody had in hamburgers but nobody really tasted? I chopped it up into slices so I could put a couple in when the burger was finished cooking.

With only ten minutes left, I took the meat out of the oven (hint, get your shadows to do that or wear gloves, it is _really _hot) and carried it over to my work station. Placing the meat onto the plate, I took one of my more sharp knifes and cut it so it was completely round. I threw the excess meat away and placed the burger in between the bun and placed the gherkins in as well. For an extra touch, I put just a small blob of ketchup in between as well.

I just arranged the organization of the salad so it wasn't touching the hamburger and I was finished. Time to see what Father and Elric thought of it.

**EDWARD'S POV**

I was praying to the Gate that it wouldn't be as awkward as it was last time standing next to Father. For the first few minutes it was alright as we were both intently watching the two homunculus slightly panic and cook. The hilarity of the idea of these really evil guys cooking never really wore of and I still had to hold back some laughter watching them cook while wearing chef hats and aprons. But even watching them lost its novelty after about ten minutes. To my surprise, it was Father who began making the awkward conversation.

"Out of curiosity, do you know how to cook?" Father asked.

"Of course I can you idiot!" I indignantly replied. It's true, I can make toast…but it's Al who admittedly cooks better than me.

"Of course, yes," Father replied. Then the silence hung over our heads for about an hour. I was literally watching the clock tick by and I swear it was broken or something because it was ticking _so damn slow._

At the hour mark I decided to actually do something, so I decided I would try to interview the two homunculus. Picking a random camera man to follow me, I decided to test my luck with Greedling. I mean, we sort of became friends, or at least allies, after travelling together for a few months.

"So Greedling, you've had one hour so far, is the pressure starting to build up now?" I asked him as I approached his table.

"I'm kinda busy right now cooking and you're getting in my way," He sounded rather irritated, "Besides, I'm sure you don't want to piss off someone who has a collection of knives on standby."

I leaned in close to him so the camera man couldn't pick up on what I would say next.

"Look, I'm doing this to get away from Father, I can't handle the awkwardness," I hissed to him. Greedling sighed; I could tell he was getting annoyed with me.

"Go annoy Pride; he sure looks like he needs company."

I decided to follow his advice and left him alone. I found Pride to look like he was concentrating rather hard as he was working.

"What are you doing? I'm busy cooking for you so go away." It looked like he was only pretending to work hard as he was fidgeting and repeating his hand movements, but I didn't feel like him yelling at me.

"Well, hurry up and tell me what you want," Pride told me.

"Right, I just want to ask you a couple of questions," I replied, placing a microphone next to his face,.

"One. How much stress are you under right now to finish preparing your dish?"

"Quite a bit, surprisingly, considering I need to win this round by a lot of points to have a hope of winning," He replied sarcastically.

"Of course, of course. Next, how much more do you need to make now, with only fifty five minutes left?"

Pride noticeably blinked with surprise. Lucky bastard, time was going so fast for him yet slow for me.

"Just need to wait for the meat to cook and then I'm pretty much done," He responded.

There was silence for a few seconds before he asked me,

"Why are you asking me questions anyway?"

I just mouthed the word 'Awkward tension', hoping he would understand, before walking back to where Father was. I tripped on an olive stone on the way back to Father. Whatever it was doing there I had no idea.

"Have you felt stones hitting you?" Father asked me. I shook my head.

"Oh."

Silence for the rest of the hour.

Awkward silence.

**NORMAL POV**

"Right, you two have to stop cooking now, time's up," Edward called as soon as the second hand on the clock signaled two hours had passed. Both of the contestants picked up their dishes and walked over to the judging table. Both of the judges looked relieved when they saw that both of the dishes looked more edible than the garlic bread they made earlier.

"Edward, who's shall we try?" Father asked Edward. Edward shrugged.

"Eh, let's try Greedling's first again."

With a knife, they cut the burger in half and they both took a bite out of it. Both of them chewed on it with neutral faces. Edward finished his part of the hamburger first.

Then he was rushing to the tap to get a glass of water, Father following closely.

"Greedling, why the hell is there spices in the burger?" Edward whisper-screamed (his throat was burning from the spice).

"What? No, the spice was in the salad," Greedling told them.

"Well then why is there salad in the burger?" Father asked him. Greedling shrugged.

"It seemed like the right thing to put in."

"The meat is also a little bit dry and greasy at the same time which makes it taste quite odd," Edward noted, "Taking that into consideration, I will give you twenty eight points."

"I rather like the meat; it's just that the salad rather ruined it for me, so I will give you thirty six points. For this round you have sixty four points, and in total you have a hundred and fourty three points." Father concluded.

"Alright, let's try Pride's food now," Edward said, picking up his half of the burger and biting into it. Father decided to try the salad this time, and he ate about half of the salad.

"Pride, you surprised me," Edward said once he finished eating, "I thought it would be terrible but it's really quite tasty. You even put in those slimy green things! I will give you fourty six points for this."

Pride couldn't help but smirk at Greedling, who scowled back.

"This salad is alright, though the croutons made it too crunchy for my liking. I give you thirty points for this round, giving you eighty five points for this round-"

"Ha! I beat you Greed!" Pride stuck his tongue out at Greedling, who strangely hissed back.

"-However, in total you have a hundred and thirty seven points, meaning you are six points behind Greedling." Father concluded.

"Take that you little brat!" Greedling cheered.

"The last episode will show these two cooking the last dish for the finale, who wins Homunculus: Ultimate Chef and how the other homunculi, and Edward, are used as servants. See you then!" Father said to the camera.

* * *

_Yes, I updated in a week! *cries tears of joy* I have already decided who wins, but I'm curious to see who you guys want to win. Tell me :3_

_-Snoring Tiger_


	9. Chapter 9

"So we are finally at the final round of Homunculus: Ultimate Chef, how do the two of you feel?" Edward asked the two contestants.

"Thank God it'll all be over after we cook this dessert," Greedling sighed before grinning, "But at least I'll have you and the rest of the homunculus as my servants for six months. That is awesome!"

"What makes you think that you'll win?" Pride asked, "Just because I'm shorter doesn't mean I have no skill."

"HIGH FIVE!" Edward cheered before coughing and saying "Is what I would say if I was short, but I'm not, so let's just forget that."

"Do you two even know how to make a Chocolate Mud Pie?" Father curiously asked his two 'sons'.

"Yes!" They both replied a little too quickly. This caused Edward to raise an eyebrow.

"Does it involve actual mud in it then?" Edward asked.

"...You'll have to wait and see until it's done," Greedling replied hesitantly.

"Before we begin, do you two have any final words that you would like to say to our viewers at home?" Father asked. Greedling turned to face one of the cameras.

"People of Amestris, and others who are illegally getting this channel, I promise that I will not make you disappointed and I will win this for you!" Greedling declared.

"Don't worry, this fool will not represent the cooking skills of Amestrians...or homunculi for that matter. Intelligence shall prevail," Pride said.

"Oh! I just remembered that we received a note from Eliška, the main cleaner for this show," Father suddenly remembered, "She said if you spill salad and olive stones on the floor again she will personally hurt you."

"That's not much of an issue considering we're making dessert," Greedling shrugged.

"You two, for the last time, put your hats and aprons on," Edward solemnly said. Both of them put on their chef attire without a word.

"Begin cooking your dishes...now!" Edward shouted as the two ran off.

**GREEDLING'S POV**

There was only two hours for me to cook and to prove that I am better than Pride at cooking. Plus, I really couldn't wait to have the rest of the homunculi and Edward as my servants. It would be the best six months of my time in Ling's body.

But I had to focus. Right now I had to make a Chocolate Mud Pie.

Which I had no idea how to cook.

What the hell was I going to do? I had to beat the little brat, but if I had no idea how to make it, he would win and I would be working for him, and there was no way in hell that I would ever let that happen. Damn, damn, damnit it all! I was stuck until I heard Ling speak.

_Need help?_

**What's it to you brat?**

_There's no way I want to be beaten by Pride. Even if you're controlling it, this is still me body. Plus, I know how to make a chocolate mud pie because Fu taught me, so it's wise if you listen to me._

**Wow kid, you weren't so into this before. But for today I'll listen to you. Take over kid!**

_No, I'll just tell you what to do, alright?_

**Thanks kid, I owe you one!**

Listening to the Xingese guy was a much better option than losing, so I decided to listen to him for once. Hopefully it was good enough for us to win the competition.

"So what do I do first?" I asked out loud.

_Let's see...make sure we have these ingredients: butter, sugar, two eggs, chocolate, cocoa, ice cream (preferably chocolate), whipped cream, vanilla essence, wafers...and chocolate chips._

"Right." Looking at my work station, I pulled the listed ingredients in front of me and to my delight I saw that I had all of them. Well this was off to a good start. If I had all of the ingredients it meant that Ling could be trusted as to know what he was exactly talking about.

"Well what's the next thing to do then?" I asked out loud. I preferred talking out loud to Ling because if I did it mentally it felt like I was going mental or something. Though the people who could hear me probably thought I was as it probably looked like I was talking to myself.

_First get a bowl and melt and spread the butter on the sides of the bowl._

I picked up a butter knife (Damnit, how do I know the names of the knives?) along with the pack of butter and cut about one third of it from the packaging and rubbed it on the walls of the bowl which also helped to melt it. A few minutes later and that was finished.

"So which ingredients do I put into the bowl?"

_Crush the wafers and have a mildly thick layer of crumbs at the bottom and up some of the sides._

"But why?"

_That's the crust and what'll hold the rest of it in one place. _Ling explained.

I shrugged and reached for a packet of wafer biscuits and placed the wafers in a small dish. I grabbed a tenderising meat hammer and happily smashed the wafers into small crumbs. When I had finished hitting the biscuits with a hammer (it is more fun than you'd expect) I poured them into the buttered bowl and spread them out as best as I could along the bowl. I didn't have enough crumbs the first time, so I repeated the process three more times until I finally had enough needed to cover the sides and base of the bowl well.

_Nicely done. Now put that bowl in the oven for about twenty minutes._

I did as Ling said quickly.

"Is there anything I can do while I'm waiting?" I asked Ling.

"Yeah, you can shut up! Seriously, stop being so loud." Pride informed me, not looking up from the dish he was preparing.

"You shut up you bloody brat!" I shouted back, "You try having two people in one body...even if Ling is cool!"

"Whatever. Go away." Pride mumbled, still not looking at me. I sighed and turned away from the shrimp.

_Aww, you think I'm awesome?_ Ling sounded somewhat delighted.

**It's just because you're helping me and all! Don't think I like you. **I couldn't say that out loud, it was too cheesy.

_Hmm, well while we wait for the crust to finish cooking, I guess you can make the filling, or at least start it. Put the butter, sugar, cocoa, whipped cream, chocolate, eggs and vanilla essence into a large mixing bowl._

"Alright, give me a minute then," I grumbled as I pulled a large mixing bowl from a rack under my working station. I dumped in the rest of the butter, about four spoonfuls (it was a medium sized spoon) of sugar and cocoa in the bowl, a third of a can of whipped cream in, a bar of chocolate which was broken into small squares, two eggs and two spoonfuls of vanilla essence into the bowl. I won't lie, it looked like it was brown sludge and it would come to life and eat me, it was that monstrous. At least now I know how it got 'mud' in its name.

"Ling, it looks disgusting," I whispered so Pride wouldn't hear me.

_It's meant to; it's not stirred, cooked or finished yet is it? Now stir them all together over a hot plate until I tell you to stop._

I turned on the hot plate and moved it to the centre of the table and put the bowl on top of it. Great, now it looked like it was melting. Still, I picked up a wooden stirring spoon and mixed all of the different ingredients together. At first, nothing too interesting was happening, but soon the chocolate melted, the eggs kinda...dissolved (or at least that's what it looked like) and so had the butter so everything was beginning to mix together. It was rather fun stirring it and watching the whites and the browns mix into one, and it did smell delicious. It took the majority of my will power not to scoop half of it from the bowl and place it in my mouth.

_Greed. You can stop now!_

"Hmm?" Apparently I zoned out, at least that's what Ling's tone was making me assume. I looked down at what I was stirring and saw a creamy, thick, light brown mixture in the bowl.

Which smelt really, really chocolate-y.

Sucks I couldn't have any.

_Take the bowl off of the hot plate and turn off the hot plate._

I did as he said, taking the bowl of the hot plate with a towel around my fingers; no way were they getting burnt again.

_Put it to the side to leave it to cool down. Now go to the oven and take the crust out of the oven._

It was wonderful that I had Ling with me, I nearly forgot all about the crust. I ran and took it out of the oven (with the towel still on my hands) and to my delight saw it hadn't burnt.

"Okay, I have the crust and I have the filling. What do I do with them?"

_Wait a few minutes for the filling to cool down._

A few minutes passed in silence.

_Okay, now pour the filling into the crust's bowl. Carefully._

I poured it in slowly so I didn't accidently spill any of the filling.

_Now put that bowl in a freezer so it can cool down properly in time for the finish._

"Wait, we're done already? It's only been like what, an hour?" I suspiciously asked.

_I guess the two judges under estimated you._

So I placed the bowl in the freezer and sat at my work station, with nothing to do. I made idle conversation with Ling about Xingese food, thanking Fu for teaching him what to cook and if unicorns were better than chimeras. There was about ten minutes left when Ling suddenly said:

_Get the bowl from the freezer now._

I did, and when I opened the freezer I saw that it had almost completely solidified, but not fully.

"Funny, you'd think that it would be all solid by being in the freezer that long," I muttered, carrying back to my work station.

_Okay, either leave it like that or put it on plates. I wouldn't risk it though._

"Fine, I'll leave it like this."

_Good. Now put two scoops of chocolate ice cream and a dollop of whipped cream of top. _

I did as he said but I accidently smelt some of the mud pie as I was placing the whipped cream on it. If I could barely resist eating it, I knew the judges would like it.

"Thanks bro," I told Ling.

_D'aww, anything for my brother._

...

"...Yeah."

**PRIDE'S POV**

It sucked a lot that I was six points behind Greedling, but thankfully the gap was a lot smaller than it initially was. I still had a chance at winning this competition. However, I knew that Greedling would also want to win which meant he would try a lot.

The results were going to be close.

Thank goodness I was taken in as Wrath's adopted son and managed to live at a wealthy estate with a mother figure. Because I had to act like her adopted son, one of the activities we would do together would be baking, usually brownies or pastries for Wrath to taste when he came home. We also cooked Chocolate Mud Pie at least twice, so I had a vague idea as to how to go around making it.

The ingredients I needed and gathered in front of me from my selection of ingredients were vanilla ice cream, biscuit (or cookie) crumbs, sugar, butter, chocolate broken up into small parts, whipped cream and chocolate sauce. I reached under the table of my cooking station and pulled out a mixing bowl. In the mixing bowl I placed some whipped cream, three spoonfuls of sugar, some chocolate sauce and ice cream.

I grabbed a small glass bowl as well and placed that over the hot plate on my table. Once I turned the hot plate on, I put in some chocolate squares and left it to melt. While watching the chocolate to make sure it didn't burn, my shadows carefully stirred the other bowl.

After about seven minutes I saw that the chocolate had melted and was now a creamy liquid. I turned off the hot plate and my shadows picked up the bowl and poured the contents of it into the bowl with the whipped cream, chocolate sauce and ice cream. Now that the ingredients were together I could now focus all of my attention on them. I began to steadily and firmly stir all of the liquid ingredients together and after a while of stirring I saw that it was now a light brown, thick and creamy mixture. That was good; it was how it turned out when I cooked with my 'mother'.

I placed that bowl to the side. Now that I had the contents of the Chocolate Mud Pie ready, I had to make the shell of it so all of it would stay together. To do this, I retrieved a large plastic cooking bowl and coated the sides and base of the bowl with a layer of butter.

Once it looked like it was covered enough, I gathered the box of cookies and grabbing each cookie individually, I crushed them with my bare hands. When they were crushed finely enough, I sprinkled the crumbs into the bowl. It took longer than I would have liked, but eventually there was enough of a cookie crumb layer I was certain it would be strong enough to hold all the contents in it.

With this shell ready, I placed it into the oven so it could harden in the heat. I walked back to my cooking station and was planning on taking the other bowl in the fridge, I heard Greedling say "Is there anything I can do while I'm waiting?"

"Yeah, you can shut up! Seriously, stop being so loud." I stated to Greedling. Up to this point I had been able to turn his rambling voice into white noise, but now it was really starting to bug me.

"You shut up you bloody brat!" He barbarically shouted back, "You try having two people in one body...even if Ling is cool!"

"Whatever. Go away." I mumbled, determined not to let him interfere with my cooking.

Now that the simpleton had somewhat shut up, I picked up the bowl with the contents of the pie and placed it in the fridge. With the two main components of my dish out of my hands, I decided to clean up the cooking surfaces while I waited. As I was moving ingredients back to their places (various shelves around the set; before we would start cooking they were laid out on our work surfaces) I noticed there was a tin of fudge sauce. Deciding that it may come in handy later, I left it on my cooking surface.

Twenty minutes later and I checked up on the shell of the pie to see that it was finished. I quickly took the bowl out of the oven and carried it back briskly to my working area (I still hadn't completely learnt that the bowls would get warm after they were in an oven).

Inspecting the shell in more detail back at my area, I saw that although it had solidified and had hardened, it still wouldn't be strong enough to remain as one piece if I moved it out of the bowl it was in. Which meant I would have to be extremely careful when pouring the pie's contents into the bowl. However, it smelt divine so I had a hunch it would taste just as good.

With half an hour left to finish cooking, I hesitantly checked the bowl in the fridge to see it had set and to my displeasure it looked like it had not completely set and was a little bit liquid-y. Looks like I'd just have to try and work with that.

Once I had a steady grip of the bowl with the liquids and it was perfectly positioned over the shell, I slowly and carefully poured it in, praying that the shell wouldn't break. To my surprise I found that I was actually nervous. That was rather odd. Luckily though it all went well and it was in one piece.

It was finished, but I had about ten minutes left and I was left fidgeting and wondering if there was any way I could improve my dish. My eyes then wondered to the fudge sauce. I knew it would come in handy! I opened the tin of it and poured some of it over the pie. I had never tasted Chocolate Mud Pie with fudge sauce so I could only hope it tasted good.

Now I was done. I sighed. Thank goodness, now in about ten minutes or so we would find out who had won this competition, Greedling or me. After being on this show for a while, I had somewhat grown loyal to it.

Which meant I wanted to win.

That explained why my heart was beating all that little bit faster and why I kept glancing at Greedling and at the clock.

Thank the Gate when the two hours were finally up.

Now I'd be able to show them that I could cook.

**EDWARD'S POV**

Finally, this was the last session of me having to stand in awkward silence with Father. It was getting annoying.

As I turned my head to try and start meaningless and awkward conversation, I saw Father was completely ignoring me and entertaining himself by playing cards.

Oh.

At least the awkward air had gone, what with him ignoring me. The only thing that was left for me to do in the two hours was to listen to Greedling talk to himself. Or Ling.

Boring as hell.

**NORMAL POV**

"You two, time's up!" Edward called once exactly two hours was up. Father shoved his playing cards up his sleeves as the two contestants carried their creations over to the judges. Both of the judges noticed that the dishes looked slightly different once they placed their dishes on the table. Both judges also noticed that both of the homunculus looked rather nervous.

"Okay, let's try Greedling's first so as not to break tradition," Edward decided while picking up a spoon and learning over to taste the food. Father followed suit, and for a few minutes they were eating Greedling's Chocolate Mud Pie. They finished the whole dish in a rather impressive time.

"Well, I'll go first," Edward volunteered while wiping chocolate off of his face. "It was utterly delicious, I'll be honest. It was creamy and crunchy at the same time, plus with the ice cream it has a mix of hot and cold which I quite like. Seriously, it tastes like something from a restaurant. However, I can taste a little bit too much vanilla essence in this. But I will give you fourty four points for this dish."

"Why only fourty four if you loved it?" Greedling demanded. Edward made a face.

"You put ice cream on it. Ice cream has milk. Even if it tasted okay."

"Damn you and your hating milk," Greedling grumbled.

"Greedling, it was highly enjoyable. The way that is was creamy yet had crunchy parts made it impeccable and I loved it. It was thick as well which made it rather tasty. The ice cream helped make it creamier and it was wonderful overall. I also give you fourty four points, as the vanilla essence was a bit too strong for my liking, and also I think it was a little bit too lumpy. For this round you have earned eighty eight points. For this competition, you have got two hundred and thirty one points in total." Father addressed Greedling.

"Two hundred and thirty one points huh? That's good enough for me," Greedling thought out loud.

"Well, now it's time to try Pride's dish."

Both of the judges bent over Pride's bowl of Chocolate Mud Pie and also finished it in a few minutes. Edward again had to wipe his mouth before looking at Pride.

"You know, at first your cooking was below average, but this dish is absolutely marvellous! I mean it, it was much better than what I expected from you. The fudge sauce was a great topping and extra to it, plus the filling was creamy and the crust was not too crunchy and it was very chocolate-y. I'm pretty sure there was some ice cream in this because I could taste a little bit of milk in there. But apart from that, this was a perfect dish. I will give you...fourty seven points out of fifty."

Pride had to hide his surprise. Was there actually a chance that he could win this?

"Pride, your starter dish was terrible which was a shame. But since then, you have been improving and it really shows in this dish. It was absolutely delicious and I can't really add anything else to what Edward said. Greedling has a total of two hundred and thirty one points...because I give you fourty nine points, you beat Greedling by two points."

Both of the competitors were silent for a few seconds.

Then Pride started screaming.

"HELL YES! I KNEW I WOULDN'T GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT! GREEDLING YOU NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD WIN, BUT LOOK WHO PROVED YOU WRONG! YES, YES, I BEAT YOU! AWESOME! NOW ALL THE HOMUNCULI AND ELRIC HAVE TO DO MY BIDDING FOR SIX MONTHS! OH YES! GLORIOUS DAY! **GLORIOUS DAY!~**"

Greedling fainted from shock and annoyance.

**SIX MONTHS LATER**

Father went to visit the mansion that Pride was currently residing in to tell the other six homunculi and Edward that their time as servants to Pride was up. Father was rather curious to see what Pride had done to the rest of his children and wondered if any of them had any shred of their dignity still intact.

As Father went to knock on the door, he saw that it was answered by a disgruntled Lust. She was wearing her usual dress...along with cat ears.

"You," She growled as she pushed him against the door, "If you didn't come up with the idea for that damn cooking show, I wouldn't be forced to wear these stupid cat ears all of the time and I wouldn't be the brats personal assistant! Idiot! Idiot! Idiot father!"

Reluctantly she let go of him once it became apparent that holding him by the throat was choking him. Just then, Envy walked up to the two of them to see what was going on.

For some strange reason he was in lederhosen.

Father burst out laughing.

"Shut up old man!" Envy roared, tossing a metal watering bucket at his father's head, "I've been forced to be the gardener to the little shit's huge garden while in lederhosen! Don't think I won't take my anger out on you!"

Father managed to contain his laughter before saying "All right, I'm sorry. Can you take me to where Pride is? I need to speak with him."

Envy grumbled to himself as he led the way to Pride's private room, Father and Lust trailing behind him in silence. They arrived at a room with large doors which Envy unceremoniously opened. There Father could see what happened to the rest of his children*.

Sloth was currently lying down on the floor with a red carpet over his body (made of velvet) and sitting on his stomach was none other than Pride, grinning for the world to see.

"Hello Father, what do you think of what I did to the others?"

"You're very merciless," Father bluntly stated, "what about the others?"

"Oh at the moment Wrath is currently making some sushi with his swords for me," Pride explained, "But I can call Gluttony, Elric and Greedling. Gluttony, come over here!"

Gluttony emerged from the door Father came through and knelt down, allowing Pride to crawl on top of Gluttony's back. Pride was sitting on Gluttony like he was a pony.

Father pitied Gluttony.

"I know where Elric is, if you want to follow me," Gluttony started crawling to a room on the left side and when they entered it, Father saw Edward dressed in a white dress shirt and smart trousers with an apron covering his torso down to his knees. He was scowling and holding a drinks tray.

"What is it now Pride?" Edward scowled.

"I came to show Father what you're doing," Pride explained. Edward glared at Father.

"I hate you for re-writing the script," Edward grumbled.

"Where's Greedling?" Father asked.

"Probably sulking...he never really accepted me beating him," Pride thought out loud, "Let me call him. Greedling! Get over here!"

A few minutes later Greedling appeared, while wearing a lumpy bunny rabbit suit.

A pink, lumpy bunny rabbit suit.

Father swallowed his laughter.

"You see, because he was very reluctant to take on a role, he was forced to wear this. All he does is mope around here now." Pride told Father. All of the homunculi had gathered in the room now (Wrath was wearing an apron and chef's hat, and one of his sword's had a piece of sushi on it).

"Right. Anyway, I have an announcement. Today all of you are free from Pride's wrath. Run free my children~"

All of them, still in their costumes, ran out of Pride's house, shouting "I'M FREE!"

* * *

_*Father shares Papa Hoho's blood so technically Ed is his kid as well in some messed up logic._

_Lame ending is lame._

_I feel kind of bad, because I think the majority of people wanted Greedling to win, even though I never intended for him to win. The reason he didn't is because he was the obvious choice, and I did that in Fullmetal Alchemist Celebrity Island._

_Excuse me if the recipes for Chocolate Mud Pie (or anything in this fic) is incorrect, I have no cooking abilities whatsoever._

_It's finally finished! I'm so happy~_

_-Snoring Tiger._


End file.
